My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
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the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.