My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
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Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
weddings should have a worst man
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
