Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.