Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?

Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.