Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.