Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

I will never stop laughing at this

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.