Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun