Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

This checks out

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

no exceptions

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.