“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
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Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.