My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
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So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
remember
only for emergencies
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen