My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
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when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Lmao 🤣
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone