Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Still cracks me up

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

*has no idea what a book even is*

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants