My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
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God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.