My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
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(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what