My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
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I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you