My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
You Might Also Like
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]