My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
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Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Worth the read.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.