Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.