My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
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brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
