My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
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Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?