My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE