My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
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Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?