My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
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Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
First date
Him: tell me about yourself
Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it