My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
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{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
💁🏻♂️
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Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”