My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
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roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
58.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
who will stop them
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.