My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
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You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground