Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

All set.

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.