Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.