My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
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If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
