My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
You Might Also Like
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.