Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
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If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”