Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
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Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!