My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
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Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Finished stitching this today 😇
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers