My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
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Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
FINE, I WON’T.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today