My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
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y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?