Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.