Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious