Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

Effort made

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.