My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
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I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-