Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

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The Chosen Phew

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?