Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*

My husband: why are you taking notes

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.