Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

A small tragedy.

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.