My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
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My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
This came to me in a dream.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
going to bed
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
A man of commitment.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣