Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Violets are blue

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

Autocorrect is my menesis

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

Better luck next time champ

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”