Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

I cannot call her anything else now

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love