Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice