Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened