My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
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Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Come back with a warrant
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.