My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
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FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
is this store having a stroke wtf
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
LOL
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.