Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

When I snag the last meatball.

Jus’ sayin. 😐

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

😉😝

My favorite female superhero

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

cat faces on other animals, a thread

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]