My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
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My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
This might be the funniest tweet ever