Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

I’m 36 years old and I still look for someone older than me when an adult is needed

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.