My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
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Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
