My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
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Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Eat…
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.