Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

Amazon: Your order has been ship—

Me: *Track Package*

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.