Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.