Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

me and who

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

We need to put an American base on the sun

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

My last name is Zilla.