My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
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Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”