Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack