“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
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Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I went from rags to one rag.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else