my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
You Might Also Like
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
#winning
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.