Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no