my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
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I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
