Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

No, he would not have.

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.