Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

Otters drive ottermobiles.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.