My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
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Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
2022 be like
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
good morning
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤