My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
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The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Friendship with me is challenging because I am hiding somewhere in your house and you have 15 minutes to find me
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..