Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.