Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

Modded the new Gran Turismo

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.