Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

This January has 47 Mondays

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right