Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.

New baby? Merry Christmas!

Getting married? Merry Christmas!

Birthday? Merry Christmas!

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

See..?

.

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!