My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
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Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass