My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
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Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
my nickname in college
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?