My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
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We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
wait.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.