Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
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I’m confused about plants
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
A wise man once said nothing.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.